Unbeknownst to most of my tours, or even to my colleagues, I use a highly sophisticated system of questions to determine exactly what kind of people are on my tours. It’s like Enneagram meets astrology meets Hannibal Lecter. But, like, a family-friendly, Furman Advantage Hannibal.
This system mostly boils down to a single icebreaker question that is carefully chosen and thoughtfully considered. However, what’s more important about the question is your answer. And what’s more important than your answer is if you actually answer the question, because it’s super awkward whenever no one does.
So, in order to facilitate better-prepared responses, I’m going to give you a brief run-down of the questions and the best answers. Because, like with all personality tests, there is a best answer.
1. What is your favorite Cookout tray?
This is a very important college answer. Cookout is an energy consumed by all living things. It surrounds us and penetrates us. It binds the galaxy together. You will come to college believing that you will sleep normal hours and eat healthily. Cookout will destroy both of those dreams.
The Best Answer: Chicken tender tray, cajun fries, hush puppies. Oreo shake. Do not fall to the path of temptation and get some weird peanut butter abomination. Furman is a classy school.
The Worst Answer: “What’s Cookout?”
2. Favorite Disney princess?
With a new live-action remake every week this question has more cultural importance than ever. As a history major, I have spent most of my college career studying various royal bloodlines. They’re all pretty lame compared to fictional ones, cards on the table.
The Best Answer: Jasmine. You want that genie access. If your answer is Elsa, you are probably too young to be touring colleges.
The Worst Answer: Anastasia. We only accept people who know the Disney canon. That’s actually more important than your SAT score.
3. Favorite Star Wars movie?
This is a personal way that I filter to make sure that Furman stays sufficiently nerdy for me to have a social life. If too many people who have adequate social lives come to Furman, my relative coolness is going to tank.
The Best Answer: Episode V. C’mon.
The Worst Answer: Hint: green milk.
4. Best superpower?
The Best Answer: The Furman Advantage.
The Worst Answer: Flight. You can already do that with frequent flyer miles.
Today, I’ll be debuting a new question to assess Furman’s prospective students, and it’s arguably the most soul-searching of all of them, because it’s the only one I truly don’t know the answer to.
5. Best Taylor Swift song?
Just kidding. That’s the right answer.